“Red Manhattan”

Cesia Pino-Mercado

Untitled

Hannah Bouchard

Sometimes I look to her and I feel empowered. She is such a strong woman. To know what I know about her is like reading one of those horror non-fiction war books in history class. The type of book you can’t imagine as real, the one nobody likes to read. But I did. The things that happened to her, I would never wish upon my least favorite people. She is brave.

Sometimes I look to her and I see a shattered mirror. Fragments of her are a part of me. The good ones that everyone praises and the bad ones that manifest deep within me. I will know her for the rest of my life and beyond. She will only know me for a part of hers, not all of it. I hold her dearly in my heart, the way she needed to be when she was just an innocent little girl in a cruel, evil world. She was hopeless.

Sometimes I look to her and I pray she loves me, like she loves her solitude. But she can’t. I am her. I am everything she doesn’t like. Something she despises. Something I can’t change. Something that twists a knife deep within my chest, piercing my heart. It makes me choke on the mouthfuls of blood that want to pool at her feet and scream “I love you”. I look to her as if she was the one who strung the stars in my night sky. But each day it feels as though it is her goal to pluck each and every one from it. Crushing them in her palm and dumping them in the treacherous murky waters known as my mind. She is precarious.

Sometimes I look to her and I want to change. She spent long hard years carrying me, nurturing me, supporting me, just for me to be something she can’t stand. I would carve runes into my flesh, reorganize every bone in my body, change anything and everything for her. But I can’t help feeling as though she does not think the same as me.

She is “Mom”.

• Category: Photography, Prose