float / ansley teal

STAGE FRIGHT

lucy beyer

I could hear laughing like being held underwater by playful waves crashing down on my head laughing laughing laughing me under.

It’s like being wrapped tightly in a blanket composed of your own thoughts. Except the blanket gets too tight and starts to suffocate you.

 Like an anaconda and it’s prey,

my thoughts and me.

I’ve fallen prey to my own thoughts and it’s slowly killing me. No matter how hard I try, the screams of self-doubt and anxiety run wild through my brain. No matter how hard I try, they’re too fast for logical thinking to catch up. No matter how hard I try to remain still and calm, the real me fades away as I’m left in the dust, and soon there is nothing but fast heart beats, and sweaty shaking hands.

No matter how hard I try to take deep breaths, 

no matter how hard I try to lower my ever increasing heart rate,

 no matter how hard I try to focus on a single person in the crowd,

 no matter how hard I try to steady my hands,

my thoughts are too fast for me to catch up.

I stare at the audience. They stare back. I feel frozen in time.

I could hear laughing like being held underwater by playful waves crashing down on my head laughing laughing laughing me under.

*Italicized text from Jason Reynolds’ Long Way Down

• Category: Digital Art, Poetry, Uncategorized